100 Things
by tayababy
Summary: 100 things we have learnt over the years...


100 Things

Disclaimer: I must admit, I stole this idea from my best friend Laura, but I did help her write an Atlantis version, even though I have never watched the series.

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1. The Captain is always right 

2. Even when you think she is wrong, refer to rule number 1

3. Blow up the warp core and you will die. Literally

4. Playing tag with phasers or compression phaser rifles is deadly. Q would have fun with this

5. Do not encourage Q

6. As omnipotent as he may be, Q is not always right

7. Crashing shuttles will only bury you further in the captain's bad books

8. When the Chief Engineer finds out, you're dead

9. Tinkering with the Doctor's program will only aggravate him further

10. It will also put you in B'Elanna's bad books

11. Trying to hook up the Captain and Commander will not work or earn you brownie points if you get caught

12. It will, however, work to some degree if you blame it on Q

13. Being impersonated by enemies does not work when you try and communicate with your friends and family. This goes the same for the Doctor impersonating any member of the senior officers

14. Do not play golf in the corridors

15. Engineering is out of bounds to those with god complexes, the daydreaming Doctor included

16. Daydreaming is not for holograms

17. Telepathic abilities are dangerous if you don't know how to control them

18. Being telepathic is also dangerous with the Devore scanning your ship

19. Don't provoke the Borg!

20. Getting assimilated willingly should be avoided

21. This can be reversed if you have many back up plans

22. The Bridge is not an appropriate place for a party

23. Never trust Tom Paris with a secret

24. Or any type of celebratory party

25. The Borg are not pets

26. As fun as it is to remove Neelix's ability to communicate, even Q copped the Captain's wrath for this trick

27. Neelix is not a rat or a pet

28. Travelling through enemy territory without shields is a bad idea

29. Especially when they want to kill you

30. The Ocampa are the only friendly natives in the Delta Quadrant; everyone else wants to kill us

31. Note to self: Never let the Hirogen take over the ship. EVER

32. Borg cannot be trusted while connected to any type of Hive mind

33. Bugs can be very big when uncontrolled

34. Compression phaser rifles are good for blowing things up with, especially when it has been 'modified' by B'Elanna Torres

35. Do not visit Sickbay after an eventful game on the Holodeck resulting in injury if you don't want a lecture from the Doctor

36. You cannot call in sick to your duty shift if the Captain knows where you were last night, especially if she beat you at pool again

37.Tom Paris is the second best pool player on Voyager

38. The Captain has beaten him many times and remains undefeated

39. There is a cure to the common cold. It is not a viable reason to avoid work, a duty shift or an away mission

40. Reprogramming the replicator system to serve everything but coffee will also get you reprimanded by the Captain

41. Never get between the Captain and her coffee

42. "There's coffee in that nebula"

43. Destroying the Borg was the best thing the Captain could ever order

44. Falling in love with every woman you meet is not advisable

45. Becoming Clayton's friends with the Kazon was a very bad idea

46. Seska should never have been trusted. EVER

47. Mutiny is inadvisable. The Captain always wins

48. Every day spent out of contact with Starfleet Command incurs multiple new reports that need reading and filing

49. Command should not be trusted. The wrote off Voyager without committing a proper search

50. Captain Janeway is God

51. Voyager always will be home, no matter what the paper-pushing idiots at Command think

52. The Delta Flyer was Tom Paris' best idea to date

53. Time travel should be avoided at all costs

54. The Temporal Prime Directive can and will give anyone a headache on the best of days

55. The only positive about Voyager's trip to the 20th Century was the Doctor's mobile emitter

56. Captain Braxton is more trouble than he's worth

57. The Borg are NOT perfect!

58. The Captain and Commander should be stranded together more often, maybe they'll admit their feelings for each other and end the betting pool

59. Betting pools area never ending source of entertainment

60. Especially if the Captain wins

61. The 'Open Door' policy of Fair Haven wasn't one of Tom's better ideas

62. Even though Fair Haven proved to be extremely entertaining

63. Self-aware holograms are trouble

64. Do not give technology to alien races. It does not only violate the Prime Directive, but could bite you in the ass

65. Accumulating more enemies than friends isn't the best idea for a lone Starship

66. The carpets should have been cleaned before Voyager returned to Earth

67. Leola Root should be jettisoned before it even reaches the ship

68. Whoever mentions Leola Root should join it in space

69. Rank pips are the only things Lieutenant Paris hasn't managed to replicate. Yet

70. Deathbed proposals usually work. Usually

71. You can't trust Icheb with a secret

72. 'Fun' cannot be timetabled

73. Vulcan's do not dance

74. Whoever let Doctor Chaotica out of his cage needs to go back there himself

75. Captain Proton is not the cosmos' gift to women. Neither is Tom Paris

76. Deathbed confessions can either be the start of something new or come back to bite you in the ass

77. The Vidiians are not food. They see you as food…

78. Species 8472 are not invading the galaxy

79. They do however need a proper species name, not a Borg designation

80. Overloading the Holodeck emitters can prove harmful to the ship

81. Disengaging safety protocols in the Holodeck is against regulation but makes the experience more enjoyable

82. Death by temporal incursions is painful yet amusing

83. Tom Paris is a great pilot for a medic

84. The same comment cannot be made about his medical skills

85. The term "I come in peace" should be used more often

86. Seven of Nine is not phased by her nakedness when a Q snaps her catsuit away

87. Playing practical jokes on other members of the crew may be amusing but will anger some female officers

88. Blowing up Neelix's Leola Root supply should be ahem avoided…

89. Replicator rations are very good bargaining chips

90. There have been many betting pools over the years

91. Tom Paris wins a lot of these betting pools

92. The Captain only pretends to not know about them, but actively participates for the sake of 'crew morale'

93. Talent night was a good morale booster that should happen more often

94. Perfection does not exist. Try telling Seven of Nine that

95. The Captain does not like being referred to as 'Sir' no matter what protocol states

96. If Naomi Wildman was the first child born on Voyager and Miral Paris third, who was the second?

97. Self aware bombs are more trouble than they're worth

98. Holodeck programs should be checked for 'malfunctions' before running them. Assassins hiding inside programs are not good for the ship…

99. Go down with the ship, keep your shirt tucked in, and never leave a crewmember behind

100. Remember, what the Captain says goes


End file.
